Convenient Timing Man

 My life is exhausting.
 Every waking moment, I have some fire to put out. Right now, figuratively and literally.
 Thinking I could have a moment's reprieve from my constant obligation, I tried to walk a block away from my last catastrophe to a bodega I spied in the distance. Halfway there, the apartment building I was walking by suddenly began screeching as fire alarms went off.
 I look around, seeing if anyone else will help. Of course, they're all frozen. I sigh and enter the building.
 I quickly find the fire extinguisher, open the case, and pull it out. I ask some people running out where the fire is, and they tell me the 3rd floor.
 I briskly trudge up the stairs to find the fire is far too big to be put out by my puny extinguisher. Of course, this means I'm going to have to rush into it to save a kitten or a baby or something. Typical.
 After a short stint of reducing my lifespan breathing toxic smoke, I exit the building with no less than two baby carriages, five kittens, and three puppies in tow. The people around clap and praise me as a hero just as the fire department arrives.
 Still determined to have some food for the first time in 10 hours, I resume my path toward the bodega. As I walk past a hot dog cart, I glance into a nearby alley and sigh. Giving up on the bodega, I throw some money to the hot dog man and grab one before entering the alley.
 Eating a hot dog with my left hand, I dig around my jacket pockets with my right. I'm pretty sure I have a gun in here somewhere from a previous encounter... There it is.
 Walking from behind, I tell the big man with a knife threatening a much smaller man for his wallet to put his hands up through a mouthful of hot dog. He complies, but of course now I have to wait for the police and give them my statement and everything.
 Over an hour later, after fixing several flat tires and pushing a pregnant woman out of the way of a taxi while waiting for the police to arrive and finish up their report, I find myself once again momentarily without obligation. My eyelids begin to droop. For a while, the constant adrenaline of the situations I found myself in kept me awake. That wore off long ago. Now, I rely on energy drinks to keep me going, but even those are starting to lose their effect. In the last week, I think I've slept a total of about 15 hours. If I'm lucky, I may be able to get an hour or two in right now. I collapse on the nearest bench and attempt to rest.
 I dream fitfully. My dreams are all the same, now. Back in that room on my last archeology dig. Translating the tablet from Babylonian, it read "You who offers your blood and speaks a wish, shall have it come true." The tablet had a thumb-shaped imprint. I could claim I just did it for shits and giggles, but the truth is I really wanted to see if it would work. After cutting my arm, getting my thumb nice and bloody, and placing it in the imprint, I spoke my truest wish I've had since I was an idealistic young child:
 "I wish I could help as many people as possible."
 Yeah, I should have known something would go wrong. Monkey's paw and all that. Now in my dreams, I'm in that room, but in the third person. I try to scream at myself, tell myself to not do it, that it's not worth it, but nothing comes out. I try to grab my own shoulder to pull myself away from the tablet, but I can't move. Like in a state of sleep paralysis, I watch helplessly while, in slow motion, I single handedly ruin my own life.
 Just as I watch myself place my thumb in the tablet, I suddenly awake to the sound of a loud crash. I sit up from my bench and look around wildly. Several blocks away, a building has collapsed. People are screaming for help. People trapped under the rubble.
 I quickly stand and start running, then collapse just as I break into a sprint. My body can't take it anymore. The lack of sleep, lack of nutrition, and constant labor and stress just won't allow me to move. I struggle to stand. People over there need help! How can I just lay here and not do anything?
 After several moments, I'm able to get back to my knees, then back to standing. I take another step toward the collapsed building, then freeze mid step.
 I've made a decision.
 I can't do this anymore.
 I put my foot down, figuratively and literally. I look once again at the rubble. Someone else will just have to take care of it. I turn 180 degrees and leisurely walk away from the chaos. Once I find one, I hail a cab, which drives right on by a horrible accident that left one car burning. After a quick nap in the back seat, I arrive somewhere I haven't been in months: Home. I go in as I see my neighbor's kid struggling to stay above water in their pool.
 I order a timed delivery for tomorrow morning of a bountiful 5-course meal meant for a king from McDonald's, then collapse in my bed.
 For the first time in forever, my sleep is restful.